Failure is Not a Dirty Word - But Perfectionism Is

I was 10 years old the first time someone put that label on me. I don't remember what prompted it, but my Aunt Linda said "Jesse, you're such a perfectionist!" I remember having a sneaking suspicion that I'd just been insulted. I love this aunt, and to know her is to know that she too suffers this condition. Takes one to know one and all that. Side note, she too became an artist later in life, and she's exceptional at realism. Her perfectionism seems to drive her to greatness. Me, not so much. As I've gone about my life, that dirty word has popped up over and over, like a little gremlin coming to steal all my courage. Perfectionism, rather than driving me towards brilliance, drives me right over the cliff of "Nope."

I didn't realize it until later in life, but I've made so many decisions based on not just the fear of failure, but the fear of not being excellent. At some point I picked up the message that if I'm not excellent, I'm not special, and if I'm not special, I'm nothing. It's no surprise then that I graduated from high school and college with honors - but guess what? I never took a single class that challenged me. I avoided Advanced Placement courses, anything having to do with computers, and anything that held me up to scrutiny - such as art classes. I took the required classes only, never played a sport, never joined a club. Ultimately, if I didn't feel like I already knew how to do it, I was scared of it.

At this point, I've gained a lot of wisdom. I know myself, and I know my patterns. But I can still be a dope about perfectionism. It can still take me into a small spiral of fear, procrastination, slothing on the couch, or cleaning like a maniac for me to notice that I'm avoiding something because I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. And then I get so sick of myself that I finally risk the failure and do the thing. Then I get annoyed with myself for making it such a big deal in the first place.

Fortunately, becoming an artist makes me confront these tendencies over and over. I know I'm getting more free in my process, my creativity is growing, my joy is showing, and I'm becoming more brave. To play it safe is to be boring - and to be bored. My canvases have gotten larger, my strokes bolder, my subject matter more difficult. If I notice and name the perfectionism, I can push through and make art without a week of psychic torture first - even if my house tends to get a lot more clean during these spells.

Do you struggle with procrastination? Do you attribute it to perfectionism?