Reconciling All the Pieces

"Here we go," I thought to myself as I climbed the steps of the school bus at 7am, sweat already beading on my nose because it was May in Florida. I walked down the aisle searching for an open spot among a sea of unfamiliar faces. The school year was almost over, but I was the new kid, again, at the end of my 8th grade year. I sat down and looked out the window, watching the palm trees go by - a change from the mountain views and evergreens to which I'd become accustomed over the prior school year. I felt no apprehension though. No first day jitters, no anxiety. I'd already grown used to being an outsider in many ways. I just hoped I wouldn't be behind or confused in any of my classes.

I changed schools 14 times by the time I graduated high school, due to a variety of circumstances, but mostly because my mother truly was a rolling stone that gathered no moss. There are some dismal statistics for people who grow up the way that I did, and while I didn't come out of it completely unscathed, there are things about my personality that I take pride in precisely because of my interesting upbringing. I think it strengthened and sharpened me in some ways. I am not particularly sentimental or emotional, nor am I fearful. I can adapt fairly easily to change, and I trust in my own resilience. But in other ways, my upbringing softened me and gave me an openness to experience people, life, and the world just as they come. I never fully became part of any group - you kind of have to stick around for a while to do that. But I have never struggled to connect with others, and I can almost always find a common ground and some way to relate. It's not hard for me to avoid judging people. They are walking their own paths and become who they are due to their own unique make-up and experiences.

That being said, something got lost in all the shuffle. While I can get along with almost anyone, I still have never found my tribe. It's like I've picked up so many different beliefs and perspectives along the way that I cannot settle into any archetypal construct. I am fascinated with personality tests, but I am too inconsistent for them to be useful. I never get the same Enneagram score, DISC profile, or Meyers Briggs result, and I cannot settle on a branding style to save my life. I don't align with a single person I know when it comes to my personal Venn diagram of spirituality and politics. My musical tastes are like a chaotic house party - Joplin is in the kitchen, Billie Holiday is chilling in the living room, and Tool is setting off the smoke alarm.

I used to try to decide on and stick to some sort of cohesive identity. I would look to others to determine what vibe I liked and then would try to figure out how to replicate it. But now? The heck with all that noise - it's not me. I like what I like, even when it's incongruent. I accept that I contain multitudes, and I know it's because of how I grew up. I like to push myself to be a better version of Jesse than I was yesterday, but I get to decide what that looks like.

Suffice it to say that if you notice my art going in many different directions, that's just going to be a reality of my artistic path. I am a shape shifter, a Renaissance soul, an eclectic nomad. Why fight it? I'm not saying it's the better way to be - I actually admire and am drawn to people who are steadfast, reliably consistent, and who always seem to be on brand. But for me, it's like driving a car that belongs to someone else - I'm not sure where any of the controls are and I'm certain I'm going to crash if I look down to try to find them.

What experiences have shaped you in ways that you're proud of, even if it's unconventional?

"My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can't be loved as I am." - Anaïs Nin